I had been single a long time. And at about 5 years into single life, I got frustrated with the situation and I began learning from dating coaches online. Here in this article I share some things I have learned from focusing on this area of woman and dating for the last few years.
There's a lot of pressure on us dudes. Every guy has felt it: pay for the dates, have six pack abs, and you're expected to approach her and make the moves, and do it gracefully, lest you be called a creep.
And there's pressure on women, too. I've heard, "Women are socialized to be sex objects, Men are socialized to be success objects".
I noticed that many dating coaches are teaching pick-up. They are teaching guys how to get past approach anxiety, understand women, and get laid. And while that might be helpful for some guys, at first, many of those dating coaches clearly hate women, even though will say otherwise. They use women, they don't love them.
But I did learn a fair bit from them about women, and to be fair, some of them are older, more mature, and do come from a wiser place.
So, what's the path to ravishing sex and deep passionate love, aka a satisfying intimate relationship? How do I attract a great woman?
You know the answer already: You have to be a great man! So here are my obvious-not-obvious suggestions:
1. Dress well and have a nice hair-cut and good hygiene. Contrary to what some say, women *do* notice how you look and that is the first thing they are attracted to. Wear clothes that fits you well, and colours that look good on you and make you feel good. "Power suits' are real. When you are well dressed you will feel more confident and act more confidently too. Once you've got a great look going on, you can update your Fb and LinkedIn pics :-).
2. Exercise. I believe that we need to exercise 3-4 times a week, minimum. If I'm short on time, I will do a bodyweight work-out in my bedroom. Otherwise I do a system with weights in the gym that is really simple. Exercise isn't so you will get big and macho. Exercise is really to get the imperil out of your system - so you can really relax. You'll also have a healthy glow. Your metabolism gets a boost, and inflammation in your body is decreased. I know that if I work-out twice a week at least, that week I will have a lot more energy. Sometimes it even wakes me up: I go to the gym feeling tired, and I leave feeling strong, grounded and energized.
Exercise, especially weight-bearing exercise, is definitely one of the keys to anti-aging and life extension. Just don't over do it. Check out the system I have been doing almost ten years at, How I Work-Out: The Power of 10.
To attract a great woman, focus more on you
3. Handle any issues that you've got. If you've got an anger problem, a self-pity habit, or if you think women don't like sex...you need to find solutions. And if you're single, you've got the time. And I definitely recommend finding a good coach or counsellor to support you (emphasis on 'good').
If you have anxiety or depression, check out my blog, Depression Solutions.
4. Give to yourself, so you have something to give her. When you feel good, you are attractive. Giving to yourself accomplishes that. Having something to give means you aren't totally empty or totally hungry. Being hungry is not an attractive state.
So invest in yourself in some way. Choose a job that you enjoy, or maybe invest in a hobby, or maybe master some skill or art. Love yourself, give to yourself so that feel happy and good in your own life, and you will be more attractive to women, and you will have something to give.
Make yourself happy. Have something to give.
5. Practice self appreciation, and get around people who appreciate you. Keep it simple. Ask yourself, "What are my positive qualities?" And then write them down, and post it up where you will see it. Ask your friends if you can't think of many. Do this every 3 mo's or 6 mo's. For more on this, check out the Virtues Project or the field of Positive Psychology, where using and developing your virtues is the main idea. Have you noticed I haven't talked once yet about how to get her number?
6. Strike up conversations - 'Hello', then comment on what she is wearing, the venue you are in, anything. Then asking a question is a good idea, giving her an opportunity to talk. Then notice, does she give one word answers? Or does she make an effort, however small, to continue the convo? One word answers might mean it is time to move on. Your goal is to find out about her. Is she someone you want to get to know? Do you enjoy talking to her? Sex is relatively brief: 45 min if you're lucky. Those other hours together aren't just gonna be spent in silence. You need to enjoy talking to her for a relationship to work.
"Choose a woman who chooses you"
- Deida, The Way of The Superior Man
Your job is really not to 'pick up women'. Do the self-care right, show up and strike up conversations, and the right woman will practically pick you up.
7. Increase your appreciation for and understanding of women. Learn what life is like for them, what they face, how they view men and dating. A good way to do this is to read articles or books by dating coaches. And I especially recommend Deida, if you can handle him. His work is deep and powerful.
What do YOU think you need to do to attract a great woman?
Some Surprising Things I Have Learned About Relationship - blog
You Tube: Tim Ferriss on Dating
David Deida - any of his books
Mate: Become the Man Women Want - book
Marni Kinrys, Wing Girl Method - some of her stuff I like quite a bit