I believe we’re often growing more when alone.
The simple fact is: we are still healing, from our collective past of great suffering. And because of that fact - relationships can be tough.
Everywhere on earth there has been famine, poverty, even slavery. And especially many men today are healing, because men got sent to war.
So should we even be in relationship? How can we know if we are ready? How can we ensure that our next relationship isn't just endless drama?
The Pros And Cons of Relationship
For one, many people get together and then have kids that they didn’t plan. Which equates to 20 years of very serious responsibility. And often great difficulties, as not all kids are little angels, and not all parents are patient and gentle.
I am a good listener and have heard from several young moms: dad left. She never expected to raise the kids on her own. And the child had nightmares. Or barely slept for the first year. Or was a bully. Or... so many things.
I think a lot of moms age rapidly in those first few years.
I also hear that we tend to marry our mother, or father. That I believe is what’s meant by a ‘karmic’ relationship. We are really replaying our past, and will suffer it. Karmic means a personality relationship based mostly on desire, instead of a dharmic relationship, based mostly on alignment of purpose.
“Some relationships that seem to be made in heaven, were actually made in hell.” - Eckhart Tolle.
In other words, they think they ‘fell in love’ but it was really their karma that fell in love.
But not one is to blame. Life was hard and it's still hard. In the past, working was the main thing we did, and its still that way for many of us. We haven't had time to heal ourselves, or any clarity about how we'd even go about it. Would counselling heal us? Would meditation do it? Collectively we are still figuring it out.
But if we don’t transform the past, then we are likely to replay it - this is why the Buddhists call this life, “The Wheel of Samsara”. The wheel spins itself - suffering creates more suffering, we marry or father or our mother and we're back in the thick of it again.
We expected something new, and to some degree, it was... but it also wasn't.
And We're Destined for Relationship
There can also be much joy and growth in relationship. For so many reasons! We share the things we love with someone who loves them too. We have a friend, lover and confidante. At best, our partner is also our best friend. There is trust, understanding, warmth and affection. I lift you up some days, and other days you lift me up.
And having a partner also keeps our ego in check - we have to cooperate, negotiate, communicate, and see things another way. So we grow in relationship too.
In fact, I'm sure many successful men (and women!), would not have made it without the loving support of their partner.
So Why Are So Many Kind, Loving People, Alone?
First, alone isn't really a bad place to be. I believe we are often growing more when alone. And I notice many people in their late 50's or 60's, choose to be alone.
We have time, and space, to work things out with ourselves. We are getting to know ourselves and develop our minds, emotions and habits without distraction.
We must discern: should I be alone, right now? Or am I avoiding relationship somehow?
There are also times when we should be in relationship, yet we can't seem to let it happen. And here's where I get a bit deep.
I have heard, from a spiritual teacher I greatly respect:
“There are forces working to keep us apart”
And I believe it.
Just like there are forces of light and love (God, the Avatar, the Saints and Bodhisattvas, the Angels and masters of wisdom)... there are also forces of hate and evil - that work to oppose the working out of the Plan.
And those dark forces hit us psychically, energetically. They create self-doubt, confusion, depression, and insecurity in our being. Maybe even anger, addiction and suicidality.
So the dark mood you thought was coming from you, may have been coming through you.
And that mood obscures your love and intuition, so you end up in the wrong place at the right time, or the right place at the wrong time.
You miss the connection you should have made (until next time).
Or you sabotage the love that was growing.
I have done this myself. More times than I care to count.
And is this so hard to believe? With our vast history of war and greed and so on, it should be no surprise when I say that this world is in a spiritual war.
It's a war between dark and light, unseen but very palpable forces, with humanity at the center. And the dark does not want good people working together, and does not want us growing and healing.
There is strength in being with the right person in the right place, and the dark lodge knows this. So intuition directs us, but interference miss-directs us. We get attached to what we should relax about, and too detached about what we should prioritize. We don't trust our intuition.
But the good news is: Light always wins, eventually. So we eventually end up where we should be, with who we should be with, doing what we should be doing. The dark lodge can only slow down the working out of the plan, it can't stop it.
And everything I write about in my blog: meditation, yoga, nutrition, and especially the Energetic Healing Therapies - because they work with Light - are ways to heal and protect ourselves, so we can be where we should be, more and more, doing the work we should be doing, and enjoying our life.
But even if we don't use these things that much, we will still be healing, because God is constantly moving everything forward, dispelling delusion, and guiding humanity forward in their next steps.
As We Heal, We Change
So our healing is unstoppable.
And as our love grows, caring increases and desire decreases.
Peace begins to take the place of the more hormonal earlier experience of lusty love.
We grow from personal love to universal love, and we can do that while in relationship.
We grow in our qualities of empathy and caring, the strength and courage to do what should be done, as a response to suffering in our partner and in the world.
We become, in fact, heroic.
Not as 'the hero', but more and more response-able, as a willing vessel for Christ Light or Buddha Nature to work through. We find ourselves more and more in service.
So over many years, we grow from desire-love, with it's cycles of suffering, into a more universal, truly unconditional love, which we know as growing peace and strength.
And this is a very good thing! Because romance isn't interested in feeding people, eye-gazing won't solve the housing crisis, and building your own cozy nest won't stop pipelines from being built... but our higher love will.
Two people can be in love, but aligned outwards in purpose.
So, more and more, when I envision myself with my partner, I picture two people standing side by side, facing the world, aligned in service, with common values and a common mission, that keeps us together, and gives our energy a focus beyond just 'fucking and fighting', which is a cycle that goes on a lot in relationships, if we are honest.
So romantic love may be where we start, but it's not where we end.
What I mean is: One day the partner you treasure will go. But how much will you have grown, and healed? Or will you suffer more than you need to, because they were "your everything"? So many co-dependant love songs (bad spells?) have told us that we 'need' them, that we are nothing without them, but that's just not true.
We will inevitably grow into powerful beings, and we will find that we don't need anybody, and we can serve everybody... and then we'll know peace.
From desire to purpose, is the direction of our lives.